Which might not be sex – it could be a way of carrying on the romantic relationship that isn’t what you would prefer, or be used to.
We know that we as parents need (and some people want otherwise) committed relationships, e.g. single mothers remarrying, Catholic marriages, etc. Recalling that the underlying reasons include:
- Avoiding VD
- Being able to invest in/trade off for relationships (e.g. turning down job opportunities to stay with a partner, moving towards having children when your clock is ticking)
- Not having or keeping kids in broken families in general
- Not bonding children to people who will disappear
- Especially in bad family law situations e.g. the American Empire, the costs of divorce and child support
But as the vast majority of romantic relationships end fairly quickly, and in many cases have high dissolution rates even in attempts to commit (e.g. 70% single mother divorce), the partners have to try to raise the odds of success. To the point of this writing, you can’t put yourself in the same situations with the same people and expect different results: your prospective relationship has to be different from what came before. Moreover, that comparison must be favorable.
In the cases of high school sweethearts, remarriages after partner death or disability, etc. this concept applies, but there are not patterns or disfavorable past outcomes that say “this relationship is in trouble” beyond the usual points about compatibility, attraction, etc. You are not trying to achieve success where before you had failure – you are focused on trying to make this relationship the right one, and you can probably do the things you did before, to build the relationship. Your past relationship history vouches for your future behavior and your relative desirability.
Unfortunately, those are the minority of cases. The average case is both partners have had several sexual relationships. Reasons why they might not be with their old partners anymore include:
- Loss of attraction / desire for the other
- Bad behavior in the relationship e.g. cheating, denial of sex
- Financial irresponsibility
- Inability to subsidize and enable one mate’s lifestyle, or refusal to continue doing so
- Incompatible values or life goals e.g. one partner starts wanting to have kids
and all the other reasons why relationships fail. By engaging in the highly consequential act of sex (notionally having children would be more consequential, but the boundaries and implications are blurred, it’s hard to generalize that), these partners affirmed “these people are good enough to commit to” because:
- They clearly were attracted to these people
- Whatever bad behavior was not enough to make it not worthwhile/a good idea
- Whatever financial situation was there, was manageable, or the partner was getting paid (prostitution)
- The life situation was compatible
and to the point of risks:
- They trusted their partner not to stray
- Any decisions about children would be mutually agreeable
- They would not be getting themselves into a nasty divorce or similar situation
but, since they’re broken up now, clearly one or more of those above conditions no longer applies. Those could be quite faultless like, the SO just up and changed their mind about having kids, or it could be acceptance of quite a few flaws. Some of those partners might only be attractive e.g. one-night stands, or the relationship was essentially prostitution, and one party either raised the price, or the other was no longer willing or able to pay.
Ultimately, you have to decide what you want in a romantic relationship, and if potential mates don’t match up, or it’s too risky, you should say no and be alone. Your prospective partner also must make those decisions.
When the interactions between you and your prospective mate have gotten to the point that you have some idea of their character and life goals, and you have a decent idea of how attractive they are, you probably won’t know their true financial situation, but some things are not easy to hide e.g. child support for kids, etc. However, you also probably didn’t know your exes’ true financial situation until you were together for a year or more. To the extent that you can know, you have the information you need to decide whether to continue in the relationship.
Your prospective mate, also, has been gathering information. By default, because they are freely dating you in a Western-ish society, they can assume you have had multiple sex partners/exes. If you want your prospective mate to operate under the assumption that you are chaste, you at least have to say something to the contrary – but if you are the average participant in the meat market, you won’t, because you’re not stupid enough to think that facts like that won’t get out, and you’re definitely not stupid enough to think that your SO (particularly a male) is incapable of lashing out at you and sending you to the hospital, taking a hall pass (sleeping with someone to even the score), etc. when that happens. You don’t want to light a time bomb.
So, your prospective mate knows you slept with, and have broken up with, people whom you judged to be worthy of commitment. That’s a bad pattern that one wouldn’t want to see repeated. Certainly there is plenty of reason behind being more cautious, and demanding more time together, more financial commitment, condoms, generally better treatment, etc. this time around. I certainly can’t tell you relationships and sex will ever be risk-free. I also certainly can tell you, that the concept of proceeding in a relationship with the intent that it will be committed, clearly suggests the recommendation that you only do so if you think this person is going to work out better than ones in the past. Practically, that means that this person is at least equal to, and probably better, for you, than your exes.
This gets right to the thesis: if this potential mate is as good or better than other people you’ve slept with, why are you not sleeping with them? (or other signals of commitment, but this one is obvious) Your potential mate cannot distinguish your refusal for whatever prudential reason you have (as above), from the possibility that you are not as good as these exes. And, if this potential mate is not as good as your exes, this person can only assume that soon, this person will meet the same fate of premature breakup. Why should they stick around, if they know this is a very likely outcome? The only good reason they would stick around is because they also don’t intend to commit to you. Therefore, your refusal to commit is compatible. Another possible explanation: they’re desperate, and willing to spend time and money with you despite being less desirable than all the other trash you got rid of (but that’s a bad reason, they should break up with you).
That, by itself, is not the signal to break up, or to yield to sexual demands – your partner might not be sure about whether they want to commit to someone like you because they just don’t know how they feel (a somewhat common case). What you would be well advised to do at that point, is to have a direct conversation, not just heart to heart but mind to mind, and lay out how you are going to demonstrate your sincerity and desire to progress the relationship – and you have to ask how your potential mate will, as well. However, you have to be prepared for your partner to say (even if this person said nothing before) that now their expectation is frequent, enthusiastic sex (or some other big hurdle like moving across the country, etc.). You also have to understand that whether this person is for real or just a player, that your refusal is probably the end of the relationship.