The dictionary definitions have two main thrusts:
– Actually esteeming someone else, and acting accordingly
– Using formalisms, showing deference, and otherwise taking actions that would suggest obsequiousness to the perceived wishes of the person who is to be “respected”.
This fundamental ambiguity is worsened by the fact that the two meanings are often conflated.
Real esteem for someone may not have any characteristic of the outward definition. Indeed, if you believe that other people are usually capable of handling your negativity, curtness, or other undesirable/unaesthetic behavioral characteristics, thereby highly regarding their character, then you will assign a lower priority to such behavioral change. The reverse is true: if you hold a great deal of contempt for others, you will observe the outward definition very closely, because you know that if they perceive you to be disrespectful, that they will be less cooperative.
Thus “respect” is not even as good as being ambiguous – it is paradoxical! If you show outward respect for others, you are insulting them to their face by wearing formal clothes, smiling all the time, softening your language, and taking other such actions that indicate your contempt. However, if you dial it back and behave as though they are great people, then you’ll be wearing cheap clothing (to save money) and blue-collar work clothing (being practical), being slovenly, not hiding your feelings, and doing all the things that accord with a lower priority for optimized interpersonal relations.
As this is a no-win situation, there are roughly two ways to play it:
– Wear suits and formal wear all the time, and act like a total slickster. This makes the trash more cooperative, while not harming you too much with people of better character. However, this does significantly impact the trust factor that people of better character have with you; they know that you are explicitly orienting towards outward appearances, and that you are very likely to hide your true feelings.
– Wear casual and work clothes, and be true to your own feelings. This will not work well with the trash, but does allow people of better character to have a higher degree of trust in you.
Obviously the optimal answer depends a lot on the specific situation. For myself, I have been leaning more towards slickster of late. However, because I work for a living, formal wear is not practical, so I tend to wear formal-looking shirts and slacks, while still often wearing work shoes and other gear appropriate to safely and efficiently performing manual labor when needed. As for interpersonal characteristics, it is hard to turn slickster on and off. As my overall esteem level for human beings in general is declining, I have been acting more and more like a slickster. That’s ugly, but at least reading this, you know what I’m up to – so you can hopefully at least partially discount the possibility of me completely turning into a self-centered wretch.