The common statement is, if you can’t have kids for whatever reason, can’t find an acceptable spouse, etc. “go adopt a child who needs you”. There are several reasons why this advice might make sense from the perspective of the parental aims, including:
- You might be in a developing country where there are a lot of orphans and similar, where there was no moral hazard or direct parental deficiency that could lead to the child being stunted
- The prospective parent(s) might not enjoy the newborn or toddler phases as much as when the child is verbal
- You could take less risk of the child being profoundly deformed or otherwise disabled, if you aren’t up to the challenge of a special needs child
- Likewise, if you really like special needs children, you could request one
- If you adopt a pre-teen or teenager, you are taking far less financial and career risk, and you could cut bait at 18 years old
However, the route of adoption (assuming that you are eligible to do so, e.g. you are not too old or single) may not address the following desires:
- You want a newborn from birth (vs. e.g. a toddler) specifically
- You want your kids to look like you or your spouse
and it certainly won’t address the following desires:
- You are trying to maximize the intelligence, health, etc. of the child in whom you will be investing hundreds of thousands of dollars and 18+ years of your life
- You want specifically to pass on your genes, disposition, family line, etc.
and the critical point is that in the case of childrearing, you have many alternatives to being the legal parent, to get what you want, that cost less money (even pay you!) and have far less risk.
Consider some of the other options you have to interact with children:
- Teacher
- Childcare / day care / after-care
- Big Brothers Big Sisters / miscellaneous volunteering
- Foster care
In particular, you can sign up to be a special education teacher if that’s really what you’re after. So, the mere act of caring for children and getting to know them, doesn’t merit the cost and risk of adoption. If your primary interest is in the household management and rearing of children, you can take on foster care assignments, again with time limitation and reduced risk.
Adoption does give you more control over your child’s life – but that mostly helps when you have very specific ways in which you wish them to behave. If your parenting philosophy is about having children explore and learn who they are, then the extra control doesn’t really matter.
This situation is one significant instance, where you as a person are being asked to accept something that you didn’t really want, that winds up being a form of charity. Adoption is an option, but it only makes sense in specific situations and with specific dispositions of prospective parents. Uncritically accepting advice like this can be exploitative, in that others are taking advantage of you.